Today I Leave You Here

As I head home today, I do so feeling grateful for the moments we shared…

This last 10 days I felt honoured to be a part of your everyday life. Even though right now that means you’re fighting for your life. 

We had good days and bad days but I am grateful for every single moment that you welcomed me and included me in your life, the doctors visits, the treatment plans. I feel confident leaving you in the care of the most amazing team of doctors I’ve ever seen work on a case like this. 

I believe in life my girl, I believe in your life. And I don’t think your quite done living yet. 

Yesterday you got a weekend pass and I was able to go with you. Have dinner with your family and get to know everyone again. Once upon a time I was hateful towards your adoptive family, but I’ve grown and I understand and trust that they only wants what’s best for you. They love you, we love you.  

Every single day a doctor or nurse would come in, they would ask “is this your friend” and both you and your adoptive mother would respond “nope this is my mom, I have 2 moms”. You’ll never know how touched I was. Just for that small piece you both gave me. I didn’t just feel like a Bio Mom, but your Mom too. 

While you napped yesterday I was able to sit with your adoptive mom and we talked and we both listened. And it was amazing. I was able to say things I couldn’t before because I wasn’t the right me. I was able to listen to her and accept her words because I am me. 

I leave today feeling more grateful than ever to have such an amazing daughter and an amazing extended family. We are but one family, and once upon a time I didn’t get that. 

I’m proud of me, but I’m so much more proud of you for growing into this incredible human being. 

Remember I Told You I Had a Bio Mom?

I’m not just a Bio Mom, I have my very own Bio Mom that was discussed in a previous blog….

I’m in my place of birth. The city where I was born, the place that holds the most nightmares for me. Barely slept a wink since I got here. I’m not sure if its because I’m across the street from where my Bio daughter is fighting for her life, or because I’m in the city where my earliest childhood trauma began. 

I found her today. My own Bio Mom. Not sure what my intention was, but I got her number and I called her. I had all the venomous thoughts that I thought would easily turn to words, but when she answered I just said hi. 

This is the woman that tortured me and my brothers, the woman that abandoned us on a street corner at 4 years of age in -30 weather to go get her fix, and then just didn’t come back. 

This is the woman that spewed hate at me in newspaper articles and online comments that she new nothing about. She didn’t know me. Never has. 

But after my conversation with my own bio daughter today, I too felt some weird desire to close one last door to my past too. I didn’t have to, we would never have crossed paths here. Maybe I’m as sick as her, torturing myself. Who knows. 

The phone call was bleak and fake. Both by her and I. Just meaningless conversations about the weather and life and nothing personal. Both of us were fake. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me. I should have said my peace, but why?

She can’t heal me. I’m almost 40 years old and I’ve worked hard to heal myself. It was pleasant enough. No past brought up, no current issues brought up. Just as mundane as talking about the weather. 

Another chapter closed. And I think it only makes me better, stronger and more fiercely in love with my family, my life and my children.

Thank you to my Bio Mom. You may not know it today or ever, but that meek conversation just saved me years of pointless thoughts and worries and regrets. And it will only make me an even better bio mom to my children. 

Onwards to the next chapter. 

I Can’t Make All Your Wishes Come True

Sometimes as a Bio parent you have to scarafise your own sanity to attempt to make your Bio child’s wishes come true, but is it ever really possible?…

Yesterday was a good day. You had that cancer beat. You had strength and you wanted to take on the world. So myself as your Bio Mom and your Mom took you out for awhile. To get lunch, to shop and to spend time together. It was amazing. We all ate and laughed and shared. But it only took an hour before your body could take no more and we took you back to your hospital bed. It was a monumental day. 

Today I went when you called and sat with you. We were alone. Sometimes we sit in silence in each other’s presence and you play on your phone. Today I dove right in asked if there was anything you’d like to talk to me about. Your hurt, your feelings of abandonment. Anything. I was there to listen. 

I listened to the horror you felt you went through. Feeling like your mother is out there and there’s nothing you could do to reach her. I listened to your memories of what you remember of your childhood. I listened and I didn’t interrupt. But those memories were not real to me, those things you remember or think you remember did not happen. But I have to respect them and respect you for wanting to share them. So I didn’t deny you those memories. I just listened. 

Then you spoke of how hard it was to move on without me, knowing about things I had done in my life and having to come to grips with the kind of person I was (you said ‘am’) and how horrific and terrible that was. I agree, I respect that. I did horrific things, but that’s not who I am. 

Then you spoke of your resentment of my ‘near perfect life now’. And how you are not part of it. So I stopped listening and I said “but you are, how else would you like this to look”. You informed me that it was too late. That you wish I had this life when you were younger. I agreed. 100% agreed. That I wish I could have made all your wishes come true. I still do. But I didn’t. I understand that who I am today and the family I have today upsets you because I wasn’t that person for you. I respect that. 

I love you. I am here. I always have been. But today I’m s healthier, more loving, more involved and interested mom than ever. Wouldn’t you rather me now than when I truly was s disaster? 

I can’t change the past ever. You are always welcome in my life. If you beat this, the door stays open. You have to forgive enough to come through it. 

We went to lunch after and everything seemed fine. But for you, I know it wasn’t, it isn’t. There is nothing I will ever be able to say to make it right. 

Just know, I’m here. I’ll always be right here. 

Sometimes Mom Needs To Relax

A glass of wine, a good book. A moment to tune the world out….

I started blogging cause I just didn’t have the patience to sit with a pen and journal. And sometimes you just need to release your thoughts to the world, puke them out and feel empty again. 

Moms tend to consume every word and transform them into these never ending thoughts that run around in their minds disrupting and invading their whole lives. They stress over the word, they relive the word, they personalize the word and in the end one word can consume them. I know I’m not alone in this. Mother’s are consuming words all around the world and carrying them like weights. 

I’m in a hotel across from the hospital where my Bio daughter fights for her life. I’m here but I also know that I have to tread lightly and be super careful of her boundaries. She’s 21 now and we’ve stayed in contact, we’ve had a great relationship; until now. 

Now I’m a monster. I’m the all abandoning bio mom that wrecked her life. I should have died for the sins of my past but no, instead she’s suffering. And I get the brunt of the anger. It’s ok, punch me; I’ve suffered through worse. But it still hurts to hear her venom being thrown at me. 

This morning I faced that wrath for the first time since I’ve been here and I just bowed away. Now let me tell you this is not me! I am a strong fierce woman and I rarely let things get thrown at me without throwing back ten fold. But I just picked up my purse and walked away. I could see you needed space. 

I can’t blame you for your anger. I can’t blame that you it hate me because you suffer and I don’t. I’m ok sometimes with the anger. 

What I’ve learned, is that I have to take care of me. I didn’t go back to see you today because you needed space. Your words were evident and they have been rattling through my brain all day. I took your words personally even though my common sense says they were not heartfelt words. 

I am your bio mom. I’m your mom. Get angry at me. But take care of you. Because we that love you only care that you live another day, we don’t care that we are tired, drained and overwhelmed. We’ll live. 

So tonight I’m taking care of me. I’m reading a book, I’m blogging and I’m having a glass of wine. The stronger I am, the stronger you will be. Us Moms we have to set the example of what strength looks like. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. 

Being A Mom

I’m not just a Bio Mom, I’m a Mother….

I have three biological children. Two of those children I had under 18 years of age, and when my life spiralled out of control I decided they needed a better Mom than me and gave them up for adoption. Later I had a third biological child and my life was still spiralling out of control but when that happened his father took him. So I’ve always had him in my life. A blessing they all are. 

I also have three bonus children. (Step children for those that prefer the term). I have been in their lives for over 4 years. But I’m a healthier better version of a Mom so I am freely able to give that to them. 

All of my 6 children, biological or not; I am a mother to. I come when they hurt, I come when they love and get married, I come to celebrate the successes and I even lecture and discipline as necessary. I consider myself a good mother.  

On some days I don’t feel that way. I have guilt and wish I did things differently. Unfortunately I can never change the past, I can only do what is best in the moment. 

A few moments ago I was outside having a coffee and I thought of my bonus Children’s mother. I often think of her. Sometimes in anger, sometimes resentment, sometimes I’m hurt by her, and I often think that I’m thankful that because of her I have these amazing bonus children. 

I thought of her this morning because she hates me. For my past, for other things I’m sure. Sometimes her hatred doesn’t matter and then on days like today it does. Because I am a mother despite whether or not she thinks I am a good one or not. I’ve never abandoned any of my children, biological or even her children. We just have different relationships than the norm. Does that make me a bad mother? I think it just means I’m a different kind of Mother. 

I often wonder if she’ll forgive me for being a different kind of mother and accept that I’ve been a good mother to her children because I’m a better person today than 20 years ago. Then sometimes I don’t care. 

I allow hurt to hurt me. I allow thoughts and worries to invade my mind at unnecessary and useless times. I think that’s what Moms do. 

But I’m a good Mom. I’m good at it. It’s my thing. Being a dogs mom, being a bonus mom, being a Bio mom, being a nanny. It’s my thing. And I don’t need the worlds acceptance or anyone persons acceptance of that. I know truly in my heart that I am. 

My thoughts are everywhere today. 

Attacking Is Normal

When you’re a Bio Mom, getting attacked is normal….

One can only hope that after an adoption, after many years and degrees of separation, that as adults you could come together with that child and it would be blissful and meaningful. 

Sometimes it’s not. There’s a lot of hurt and chaos and confusion. So there come the attacks, the ‘come here, go away’ effect happens. Sometimes you’re loved and sometimes you’re the most hated human being. 

It comes with the territory. It hurts and it makes you angry because you think every second of that child’s life you made the best decision for them, but when they hate you, you question your worth. 

Truthfully I just try and live the best possible life I can. I let her come when she wants and like s wild animal I dont approach unless it’s safe. Once again, does that make me a bad Bio mom? Or a respectful one? All opinions wold vary. 

You see I have my own bio mom. Abandoned me at 5. Doesn’t even know what I look like at almost 40 years old. Did I try communicating and having a relationship? Absolutely. But she hates me. For whatever reason, there is no love, concern and I am certainly not her sunshine. 

I resent that. I am hurt by that. But because of that I have tried to be the most accessible and changed bio mom I could be to my daughter. It hasn’t worked, but I tried. I never wanted her to feel hated and unloved. 

I hope in passing, in closing a chapter that my daughter will always know she is my sunshine. 

And what a tremendous amount of sunshine she has brought to this world. 

Remaining Human

It’s hard to remain human when feelings are overpowered by words….

I’m your bio mom. But once upon a time I was your mother. I taught you to brush your teeth, I taught you to read, I helped you get dressed. I kissed your booboos, I read you bedtime stories, I took you to the park and so much more. 

Now I’m nothing. Because when you were 7 I was losing control of my life, my sanity. So at that time the best I could do was to save your life. An excuse you might think. Or maybe your hurt overpowers what the truth really was. 

You dont really know me. You don’t know how I’ve suffered watching you in another woman’s arms, a woman your learned to call Mom. I made that choice, but watching you grow into a woman under the care of your family has been hard. I have regretted many many choices, things I should have done, things I could have done. But watching you grow and blossom into this amazing woman has reaffirmed that I did the best thing I could do for your life. 

So on the days when you love me, thank you. I’m grateful. On the days when you hate me because anger takes over, I’m at a loss and can only think I got what I deserve. 

Remember there are 2 sides. And truth is, I know your pain but you don’t really know me.

Navigating Your Needs

Being a Bio Mom means standing on the sidelines sometimes….

You are a breath of fresh air. My sunshine in even the darkest moments. Our relationship or lack thereof at times is like navigating through the most dizzying forest. Full of thick roots protruding from the ground, prickly bushings and sticks that make this horrible sound when stepped on. 

But then comes a clearing of soft moss, an opening in the trees and the beaming sun shining down on me. I raise my arms and I embrace those moments, that clearing. 

Those moments are the I love you’s, the happy mother’s days, the sharing of your feelings. 

At times there is this cold and dark place where you disappear. When it seems as though I mean nothing. Selfish feelings? Perhaps. Did I make a choice to give you up when you were 7? Absolutely. Is this my karma? I have no doubt. 

I feel as though this is starting to sound more pathetic than helpful. While you are being eaten by cancer I am fighting my way towards you to be at your side. When the ridiculous reality is that, you don’t want me there. You have your parents there. 

I’m clawing and fighting but all I can do is write. And stand by as your biological mother. 

My Life Before You

Is this just another typical child abuse story?

It could be. Are most stories the same? Child abuse is child abuse. But isn’t this where are the ill doing of parenting begins? You do what you’ve learned. I call that crap. But we can get into those choices at a later date. 

My mother a drug addicted prostitute and my father an outlaw biker in the making. This is where it all began. Surrounded by a lifestyle of naked women, men throwing money around and drugs on the kitchen table like they were cheerios. The norm. 

Children did not speak, they sat silently and learned to do as they were told. How to chug the beer, how to clean up the puke, how to safely take the needle out of your mother’s arm after she passed out, how to bag the ounce. 

Hiding as the doors got kicked in by police, watching as they dragged dad away. Going to a new home with strangers who locked you in closets. At least at home, you were free. In foster care you were crap. A paycheque. 

Then going back home when dad was out of jail. Mom gone, she chose her latest date (John) as the newest conquest. Never mind her youngest was 2. I was 5. By 5, I knew everything. 

Dad was an alcoholic. Severe and sick. His sickness was different than anything cocaine or Heroin ever did to my mother. At least she slept, she ran away, she neglected. 

Dad raped and beat and tortured. He was relentless in his pursuit of what he called ‘lessons’. 

This were my first life lessons.

My First Blog Post

The waves that come with being a biological mother….

On the great days there is this beautiful sunset. We talk, we remember, we are mother and daughter. You share the good and the bad with me. I share my life with you. Lives we’ve never been separated from. I’ve always been a part of yours from a distance and in the most amazing ways, you’ve always been a part of mine. 

You’re dying. Cancer has taken hold of your sweet life, and while you are physically dying; I am becoming this empty, broken and desperate bio mom. 

I am being devoured by despair and selfishness. Things I need to say, want to say, but can’t say because that might take away one joyous moment you have left. 

I need to start from the beginning. One you might understand.