Being A Mom

I’m not just a Bio Mom, I’m a Mother….

I have three biological children. Two of those children I had under 18 years of age, and when my life spiralled out of control I decided they needed a better Mom than me and gave them up for adoption. Later I had a third biological child and my life was still spiralling out of control but when that happened his father took him. So I’ve always had him in my life. A blessing they all are. 

I also have three bonus children. (Step children for those that prefer the term). I have been in their lives for over 4 years. But I’m a healthier better version of a Mom so I am freely able to give that to them. 

All of my 6 children, biological or not; I am a mother to. I come when they hurt, I come when they love and get married, I come to celebrate the successes and I even lecture and discipline as necessary. I consider myself a good mother.  

On some days I don’t feel that way. I have guilt and wish I did things differently. Unfortunately I can never change the past, I can only do what is best in the moment. 

A few moments ago I was outside having a coffee and I thought of my bonus Children’s mother. I often think of her. Sometimes in anger, sometimes resentment, sometimes I’m hurt by her, and I often think that I’m thankful that because of her I have these amazing bonus children. 

I thought of her this morning because she hates me. For my past, for other things I’m sure. Sometimes her hatred doesn’t matter and then on days like today it does. Because I am a mother despite whether or not she thinks I am a good one or not. I’ve never abandoned any of my children, biological or even her children. We just have different relationships than the norm. Does that make me a bad mother? I think it just means I’m a different kind of Mother. 

I often wonder if she’ll forgive me for being a different kind of mother and accept that I’ve been a good mother to her children because I’m a better person today than 20 years ago. Then sometimes I don’t care. 

I allow hurt to hurt me. I allow thoughts and worries to invade my mind at unnecessary and useless times. I think that’s what Moms do. 

But I’m a good Mom. I’m good at it. It’s my thing. Being a dogs mom, being a bonus mom, being a Bio mom, being a nanny. It’s my thing. And I don’t need the worlds acceptance or anyone persons acceptance of that. I know truly in my heart that I am. 

My thoughts are everywhere today.